it's been a lil bit since i last made a blog entry. but don't feel too left out! journal entries have been spotty lately too.
i felt particularly motivated to write today because i had to call my bank for the first time, and it made me think. i have to do these things now because i am a full-fledged adult, somehow. it's stressful and very new to me, but it also feels pretty good to finally be taking things like this into my own hands.
in the last year or two of my high school career, i started really looking forward to not having to be in high school anymore. in those days, it felt like there wasn't any happiness to be found anywhere; school work was hardly ever fulfilling, i hated walking up and down stairs with a heavy backpack, and even weekends and breaks were colored with the feeling that i could be doing something productive right now, but i wasn't because i was too tired. even when i had a whole summer to myself, i never did the things i said i wanted to do with all that time. i could hardly get myself to do anything more than scroll the wretched devices. i fell into that again these last couple of months, which is why updates have become so sparse.
but today, when i had to call the bank, it reminded me of that feeling i'd get earlier this year when i'd daydream about being a full-fledged, capable adult. thinking about how if something needs doing, i'd be able to just do it.
i think it also has something to do with me wanting to know who i am. it might be clear from the no less than three redesigns and renovations this website has undergone in the last six months alone, but i'm not so comfortable in my own self yet. before i settled on Chavez, i cycled through at least a dozen online aliases, because after a while it'd start to feel like i'd outgrown them. an online presence gives me far too much freedom to shapeshift as much as i want, and after years of doing that, i started to feel lost and rootless. even offline, i never really figured out who i was supposed to be because i never really talked to anyone.
i chose Chavez as my name here because it's personal to me - it's a family nickname. if nothing else, that's something that can really belong to me. i can tell you, after a long long time of not knowing who i was supposed to be, having something that well and truly belongs to me feels really good.
the idea that some day soon i'll be a capable adult who knows who she is and what she wants to do is really exciting to me. making that call today reminded me of that.
it's weird how we only really talk about how growing up is gonna suck. like, everyone knows that growing up sucks, what with the everything about it, especially nowadays, but it can also be pretty good. it's nice to finally be getting to know the person i'm becoming.
